The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize