His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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