Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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