i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize