so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
