Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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