peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
