He told me they were just razor bumps!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
