I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
