I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
