Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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