He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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