Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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