I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
