worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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