he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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