I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The beer is more important than you right now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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