Who did Billy Mays play for?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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