don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
