did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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