I got chris browned last night
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
