No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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