I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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