sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
