Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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