Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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