u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
