If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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