every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize