If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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