i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
