I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
