Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Randomize
