just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Duck Duck Cougar?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
