She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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