He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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