Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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