He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
