Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
