Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
