You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did I show you my penis last night?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
