ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
