Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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