dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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