no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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