Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
