just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
