Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
