Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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