i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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