we're chasing vodka with high fives
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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