guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
