you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
