mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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