I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
