buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
